My mother had been battling cancer for some time and I flew out to Tennessee to see her and my father, ostensibly for my father’s birthday, but also, I didn’t know how many more times I would be able to see her. Before I left, I had a conversation with my brother Mark, where he asked what clothes I would be bringing, and I replied - “uh, clothes?” He said, “Well, you might think about bringing a suit.” There weren’t a lot of reasons I would need a suit in Tennessee other than for a funeral and I told him that I would not be bringing a suit. As it turned out, she died during my visit. These are the journal entries of my trip.

Sat, 3 March

Got in around 7PM, had a BBQ sandwich. Mom seemed tired but okay. I gave them Morgan’s senior picture and Mom oohed and ahhed over how beautiful and mature she looked. I don’t remember the other presents but everyone was happy.

Sun, 4 March

Woke up hearing Dad fussing about Mom. She had gotten up around two to make coffee, then went back to sleep on the couch.

Went to the store with Gwen and had a good time buying things for a steak dinner. Bought a whole bunch of other stuff we probably didn’t need - hamburgers, buns, potato chips and dip, ingredients for sausage pinwheels and eggs. Some beer for Dad. Was going to buy some wine, saw some Chateau Sovereign and some Casillero del Diablo from Chili, but was unable to buy it as it was Sunday in Tennessee! Dinner went over well. Dad and I finished our steaks, which were enormous but neither Mark, Gwen nor Mom could finish. She was able to eat a fair bit however.

Tammy, the social worker from Alive hospice, came by in the afternoon and Dad talked to her, both about if the morphine couldn’t be causing Mom’s fuzziness as well as what our options were about going to a nursing home like NAC - Dad had a number of ones in mind that he thought were pretty good and one that was out and Tammy agreed. She also said that we could always have Mom come over to their facility for up to 5 days at a time - a respite she called it. She could do that once a month.

Mon, 5 March

Mom apparently got up again last night around 2:30AM to make coffee. She seems more tired and out of it. Dad and I keep wondering if the pain meds weren’t causing it. Dad called to set up a time (3:30 pm) to get Mom to the Doctor’s to get some cortisone shots for her knees.

Going to get the shots was less horrible than I thought it would be, it is really hard for Mom to walk with the walker these days and I was sure we wouldn’t get her down the stairs nor back up but we got her down fairly easily, if slowly. She held the rail on one side and me on the other. She was a real trouper about the shots and only grimaced on one side. I stood behind her and kept massaging her shoulders gently while it was all going on. The Doctor was a real sweetheart and showed Mom the photos of his new baby girl and his 3 year old. Afterwards, he told them that she could come back in three months for another one. Dad said in kind of a soto voice that she had ovarian cancer and kind of shook his head and the Doctor said, “Well, she can come back whenever she wants then!“. Getting her back and up the steps was actually easier I thought.

She lay on the couch until Melissa, the nurse from Alive Hospice, came by in the afternoon. Mom kind of perked up when she was there and sat up on the couch though Melissa told her she could lay down.

Made sausage pinwheels with scrambled eggs for them for dinner. Mom kind of picked at hers and Dad ate a couple but they didn’t seem to have much of an appetite.

Tue, 6 March

Dad woke me up around 2:30 AM - said not to worry, but Mom had gotten up to make coffee and was on the floor of the kitchen and would I help her up. He said she told him that she got dizzy and sat down “real quick”. It was a bit of a struggle to get her up, she seemed a bit out of it. Made me grateful I was there, as I don’t know how Dad would have managed on his own. Of course, it also made me concerned how he was going to manage once I was gone. We continue to talk about options like NAC or the 5-day respite.

She is a lot less responsive and when she talks, it is in a soft, soft voice, and she frequently doesn’t finish her sentence. Dad and I decided to skip her breakthrough Morphine Sul (15mg) unless she complained of the pain. She was fairly active that day, and kept wanting to get up off the couch and go into the kitchen, though she seemed restless. She spends a lot of time going to the bathroom, I suspect that since it is hard for her to know if she needs to go, it is more comfortable for her to just stay. And again, she seems really, really tired.

Dad’s birthday. Gave him Morgan’s card, Gwen and Emma had also made him one. Mark and I had gone in on a speaker for his TV and Mark had picked it up. Made hamburgers for them, she was able to eat almost half.

Wed, 7 March

I’m normally a sound sleeper, but I woke up around 4 am - heard a little cry. Ran down to the den and Mom was there on the floor, face down. Had some trouble even getting her to turn up. She seemed a fair bit out of it. When I was trying to get her up, she kept fussing about asking what was behind me, as if it was something she would bump into? She also asked if Auntie wasn’t coming over, and when I told her I didn’t think so (as she died in 199x), she said, “why not” and I told her I didn’t know. I finally got her up and on a chair and then from there onto the couch and managed to get her to go back to sleep, though she kept going on about needing to get up and to make coffee. Once she got to sleep, I got a few hours in the recliner next to her. She slept until 7, which was pretty good and then ate about 6 or 8 spoonfuls of cereal and then napped until 11 am.

Thu, 8 March

Mark had what I thought was a good idea, which was for Dad to shut and lock the door to keep Mom from wandering off. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to work out as she apparently still woke up and worried Dad about the coffee until he got up and made her some.

I packed and had my bags on the hearth and Mark had shown up around 10AM, with the plan that we would go to the Airport around 11:00 am. The nurse was due to come around 1:30 but called and said that she would be coming around 10:30. When she saw Mom, who was still laying on the couch and a bit out of it and my bags, she asked if I was leaving for the Airport. When I told her yes, she said in a quiet voice that if I wanted to be around at the end, I should stay.

I called up Suzy and told her what was going on and she said I should stay and said she would call and make arrangements with Southwest. Mom had woken up a bit then and said she needed to go to the bathroom. I was able to get her down the hall using her walker, though it was slow. I told her “Good news Mom, I’m going to be able to stay a while longer.” and she looked up at me and said “Oh dear, is it that near.” I told her that I was afraid so, and that I wasn’t ready for it. She said “Me neither.”

I had been helping her more and more go to the bathroom, she doesn’t have the strength to sit down and needs help getting ready to do so. As I was doing so, she said, “Well, this is a pits job” to me. I told her no, it was no big deal. Just sorry she wasn’t able to do it herself. She said she was tired out and thought she would lay down a bit. Afterwards, when I got her back up and using her walker, she kind of made to go back to the living room but I persuaded her to lie down on the couch. Mark came in and we chatted for a bit and she said “I love you turkeys!”

I went back into the Den to let her sleep and Dad told me that when Mom was in high school, she saved her lunch money to buy him the Hamilton watch. He’s winded it every day since (and had to replace the winding pin three times).

He says when she goes, he is going to stop it on that day and put it back in the case.

Dad also told me his Dad died July the 8th and was buried on the 10th and his Mom died on March the 8th and was buried on the 10th.

After a while, I went back to their bedroom and she was awake and looking like she was wanting to get up. She wanted to go to the Den, but when she got there she needed to go to the bathroom again. I finally got her back to the couch which is where she seems to be most comfortable.

I think this was the day that Murray and Troy came by. I was against it at first as Mom seemed so unresponsive and I didn’t think she would really want to be seen in her condition but afterwards I was glad they had come and gotten to say their good byes. It is tough doing that - you don’t actually say good bye but you do get to speak a bit from your heart.

She conked out around 9 or so last night, I wasn’t able to settle down until 11 or so and she was up at midnight. Clearly she is uncomfortable in her skin, wanted to stand up. I got her up and let her stand a few minutes. The effort really wore her out. She conked out again until 2, when she again really wanted to stand up. I got her up again - it was really, really difficult, she seemed stiff as well as just not strong enough to lift her self up. I got her into the green chair Mark brought down from the office and after she sat in it for a bit, she muttered “Is the coffee ready?” I chided her about it being 2:30 in the morning and folk should be in bed. I got a little smile, but she asked again and so I made her coffee. While we were sitting there waiting for the coffee to brew, she said “I smell bad” and I told her not to worry about it, that we had had a hard day and I didn’t smell that great either. Also, I told her the nurses were coming tomorrow to give her a bath. She said she needed to go to the bathroom and so I got her on the chair potty Dad got. After we got her back up and on the couch, I brought her coffee and she had some. She seemed pretty lucid, compared to the earlier day and was able to say a bit. I told her about Mark and Gwen and Claire and Emma coming by earlier and what all we talked about (she was conked out then) and she smiled at some of the things I said.

Fri, 9 March

Tough day for Mom. She pretty much just stayed on the couch. She slept until the two women came from hospice to give her a bath around 12:45. I went out to the car and talked with them, Katrina and ?. I told them she was asleep and the situation and said I didn’t know if it made sense to go through with it or if it would make her feel better. They thought that it might help and they were used to doing this. They seemed to get her through it without too much grief for Mom though it did seem to leave her in some discomfort (of course, that may just be time ticking on). She had a hard time getting settled and back to sleep after that. She didn’t drink or eat anything since the coffee she had around 2:30 last night.

Dad told me that every night before they would go to sleep, she would turn to him and kiss him and tell him that she “Loved him, loved him a whole bunch”. He missed her being able to do that last night.

Mark, Gwen, Claire and Emma came by tonight and said their good byes. They each took turns going up to her and holding her and saying a few words.

Mom spent the night on the couch again. Dad was really out of it - the strain is hard on him. Dad thought she needed to go to the bathroom, or at least, get her Depends changed and it was frankly more than we could manage. She was just really out of it and it was kind of paining her for us to get her up and on the chair and then back in her clothes and back on the couch. We managed, but we both acknowledged that we couldn’t do that moving forward and would probably need to move her to the respite (Melissa had already let us know it wasn’t going to be time to get her in the NAC). It really wore Dad out, I think he went to bed a bit earlier than normal, to try and rest if not sleep. My plan was to try and sleep on the couch, with Mom’s legs in my lap and give her massages when she needed it as she seemed to be in some significant discomfort and kept making little yelps. That didn’t work out so well as she was too sensitive for even a gentle massage so I pulled up a chair by her head and held her hand.

Mom had a really bad night. Had a hard time getting her pain dosage right, she kept shaking a bit and making little yelps. I tried getting her to take her Morphine pills but it was just a no go. She couldn’t drink anything. After a bit, I started giving her the liquid drops the nurse had mentioned. She finally got a little more quiet around 1, but then around 2 her breathing started to get more rattley. I was sure this was the end but it kept going. I could tell she was awake and had been the whole time - her eyes were open and occasionally she would focus on me. She couldn’t seem to move however. The only thing I could do was keep holding her and telling her I was there.

Sat, 10 March

From my IM to Mama and Morgan:

Super tough night last night. Don’t think either of us got any sleep. Up until 1 or so she was in a fair bit of discomfort and it took awhile for me to get her morphine dosage right Then, starting around 1, she started to develop that rattley phlegmy breathing that just got worse and worse. I was certain that this was the end but she kept going. At a little before 6 I called the hospice line and when they called back they said it was just the secretions. (Which may sound obvious if you had read the pamphlet but it was REALLY loud) They said to give her the secretion medication around 6:45 am. (it came in a tablet, but the nurse said to put it under her tongue). Also, that if I could, to raise her head a bit. While it seems to have helped, it is still an issue. And so a nurse is coming by soon to assess the situation.

Eileen, the nurse, came by around 9ish. She had already told me on the phone that I was doing everything that she could have. Dad and I were at the kitchen table and she came in and sat down. She let us know that Mom, at this point, was actively dying and her death was eminent. She said that Mom wasn’t in pain from her breathing, or even discomfort, despite how it looked. And also that the twitching she occasionally would do was in some ways an involuntary one, and again, she wasn’t really in pain. I would like to believe this, but it is hard to do. She said she was going to administer some more stuff from the comfort kit to make sure she was comfortable - Dad and I had already gotten her raised up a bit which was supposed to help and the three of us did it some more. She sure seemed to find it uncomfortable to move but it did seem to help her breathing.

Mark came by and went up to the shop. I think he didn’t want to interfere with the nurse but I felt it was getting close. Before I went up to the shop to get him, I went over to Mom and gave her a hug and kissed her and told her “I know I keep saying this but I’m going to say it again. I love you Mom.” She hadn’t made any voluntary movement since late last night but she made as if she was trying to speak and I said “You don’t need to speak Mom. I know you love me. I’ve never doubted for a day that you didn’t love me” and gave her another big hug and a kiss. I slipped on my shoes and started up to the shop and left Dad there. I hadn’t gotten half-way to the shop however when he came out the door and called me and Mark to come back. As I got closer he said “She’s gone son, Mom’s gone.” She had died at 11 am almost exactly.

It was a pretty tough couple of hours. Dad did better than I thought he might but I’m not going to go into it all. I went back in my room, I needed to get away from myself and everything. I let Suzy know the situation.

When I went back, Chuck, Mom and Dad’s pastor at the church had arrived and we talked for a bit. Again, very surreal. I was happy that Mom looked so at rest after the challenging night we had. Dad said that he was holding her when she went. He had told her he loved her one last time, and she looked at him and took three more breathes and then she was gone.

I again went back to my room while they moved her body. Hard to explain my mood. Broken up but also incredibly relieved she wasn’t suffering any more. I gave her body one last hug before they took her. Her forehead was cool, but not cold and the heat from her body was still present. Again, she not only looked at peace, but even seemed to have a slight smile. Strange and stereotypical as it may be.

Later, Gwen made dinner, Ham, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, corn and some peas. Knew Suzy would mock the lack of color so I took a picture and texted it to her.

Sun, 11 March

I’m blanking on what all happened Sunday. Dad and I had stayed up fairly late. Not sure how much sleep he got. Oddly, I slept pretty soundly. (It helped I only had 4 hours of sleep over the last two days). I know it rained, and Mama and Morgan sent me pictures of their garden expedition. I spent a fair bit of time getting clothes ready to go. Ended up not needing to go to the store after all - was able to borrow shoes from Dad, pants, shirts and a jacket from Mark. Dad gave me the suit that a Mr. Benny Woolam from church had given him some months back - it fit me perfectly. Mark did drive me around and show me where he worked and we talked a fair bit.

Oh, I spent a fair bit of time digitizing the photos Mark, Gwen and the girl’s picked out. I think they were surprised I was up to send them at 1 am but fairly standard - had a hard time going to sleep that night.

Mon, 12 March

Snowed this morning. Sent a picture to Mapa and woke poor Suzy up. Morgan liked it however.

Visitation was from 3-8pm but Dad and I went by around 2 to drop off the USB with the photos. Seeing Mom’s body in the casket was not quite as horrible as I was dreading but Dad had talked me into doing it. Along with Mark who pointed out that made-up was how she preferred to be seen in public. I prefer my memory of her on the couch.

After the visitation, Mark and Gwen brought by the mountain of food and while Dad and I ate, Dad told stories of the family:

: Dad was driving Mom home one night and one of his cousins, Samual Heithcock, one of (Robert) Milton’s sons, was driving his convertible with a girlfriend (Dad says he will never forget her name) and came up behind him. Dad says he never knew what happened, but Samual veered off the road a bit, hit the edge of a parked junker by (xxx) and careened back into the road and hit Dad and Mom in the side, causing the girl to be thrown from the car. She hit her head and Dad held her hand until the ambulance could come but it was too late. Dad didn’t have any insurance at the time and so even though the accident wasn’t his fault in any way, he lost his license for a year - or should have.

: Some time after this, Dad had been teaching Mom how to drive and they were once again heading home. This time a police car came up behind them with their lights flashing. Dad knew the two officers very well, they were friends of the family and would come over to the Noble’s house to borrow some dogs and go rabbit hunting. They peaked in and asked what Marita was doing driving and Dad said he was teaching her. The officer then said “Okay, Jimmy, but do you have your license?” “Nope” said Dad. Ed, the officer then pulled off his cap, threw it on the ground and kicked it across the street and started to chew Dad out “Jimmy! You know better than this.”

: Later, Noble talked to Ed and them and Dad got his license back after about two months.

: Melvin stories: The Mule, The coke bottle, The dogs, the tractor (Charles, I told you to stop!)

: The Murder and Moonshine stories.

Tue, 13 March

Dad and I had a fairly sluggish morning, had breakfast and slowly got ready for the funeral. Went over a bit early. Folk were already there. Don’t think I mentioned but an incredible number of people were there yesterday and for the funeral - a weekday. Elizabeth and Sara had flown down from Minneapolis? Missy Hannah had driven up from Alabama? Saw Edward Crafton, a childhood friend from when I was 6 or 7, now a tall man.

Wed, 14 March

Time to fly back. Dad said he had a decent night’s sleep. Again, pie for breakfast I think? Had already mostly packed and so Mark, Dad and I sat around and talked until it was time to go. Dad went with us in the car. We kept hugging and saying our goodbyes. One more time at the airport terminal.

And then on the plane and back to California and my own beautiful family.